


i fear no fate, i want no world

by basqueinthesun



Category: The Martian (2015), The Martian - All Media Types, The Martian - Andy Weir
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-26 00:28:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4982797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/basqueinthesun/pseuds/basqueinthesun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They have an unspoken rule--don't talk about the future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i fear no fate, i want no world

They never talked about the future. Not in so many words, anyway.

It wasn't that a future didn't exist, it's just that since they'd had to scrub the mission, everything was just a little more uncertain. 

Each and every one of them had known the risks going into the mission. But humans have a way of assuming that the worst wouldn't happen (even though that's what you spent all your time training for before leaving.) 

But then Mark had died. 

Tears still sprang to her eyes any time she dwelled on him for too long. He had been such a source of joy--for all of them. It's like they'd all been connected through him. And now there was a hole in the middle of the ship and no one knew what to do. They went about their work with an affected stoicism--every smile held a heaviness. 

Sometimes she wondered if what had started between her and Beck had been as a result of the pain they were both in. Logically she knew it wasn't true. They'd been drawn to each other since the beginning (even if it had taken her more time to admit than it had taken Beck). 

She knew it was irrational to think this was something fleeting--a comfort on their trip home and nothing more. It couldn't be. He snuck into her room every night after lights out. (God, it made her feel like she was sixteen again). He'd cup her cheek with his hand and tuck her hair behind her ear like she did when couldn't figure out why a line of code wasn't working the way she wanted. He'd kiss her softly and whisper _I love you_ into her lips. In those moments it was only his voice, his breath, his taste, his scent. 

But now the room wasn't filled with their mingled gasps but rather Beck's soft breaths as he slept. Drawn to the warmth of his body against her back, she pressed herself a little closer to him, taking the hand that was lying gently on her stomach into her own, tracing her thumb over it. It seemed unreal sometimes. How could something so good exist when something so bad had happened? 

The bed was small, only made for one (obviously), but they'd gotten used to it (more easily than she'd thought possible). Now they rarely slept apart--they'd gotten too used to being cramped (which sounded ridiculous, but it was true). She wondered if they'd still sleep like that back on Earth--in a larger bed. The two of them pressed together at the center of the bed, empty space on either side of them.

And there it was. Thoughts of being with Beck back on Earth. She tried not to. She didn't want to get used to the idea of something she didn't know was hers. But she didn't want to tempt fate. That's why tomorrow was never thought of until tomorrow was here.

She felt Beck shift behind her.

"Can't sleep?" he asked, his voice heavy with sleep.

She glanced back over her shoulder at him, realizing the the track her fingers had been tracing on his hand had woken him.

"Sorry," she said, stilling her hand.

She lay there for a moment.

"Chris?"

There was a moment before: "Hm."

"No, nothing. Go back to sleep," she said quickly. As easy as it was for Chris to tell her how he felt, it was difficult for her. He was only ever open and sincere. She was trying, but it was still too much sometimes. The words stuck to her tongue.

He nudged her.

"Do you--Do you ever think--"

She stopped. Think about what--what happens after? After this. Do we exist after this? Will we make it past this? Anything could happen. Anything.

"Think what?" he asked, opening one eye.

She started tracing patterns on his hand again, glad for the moment that she couldn't see his face.

"About. I don't know. Nothing. A bigger bed."

She frowned, not fully understanding what she herself had just blurted out.

"A bigger bed?" he responded.

She didn't say anything.

"Is this your way of telling me I'm pushing you off the bed?" he asked, amusement creeping into his voice.

Johanssen huffed out a breath. 

"No," she said quickly, "I just mean. Back--back home. A bigger bed back home."

She closed her eyes, she hadn't said anything about home to Beck before. Ever. 

Chris lifted his head off the pillow and pushed her shoulder down so she was lying on her back. He moved over her slightly, smiling.

"A bigger bed might be nice, even if I don't think we'll need it," he said before leaning down and kissing the corner of her mouth. "Though I do I think it might be strange if we had a twin bed in our room," he said, laying back down next to her.

She felt a warmth beginning to spread in her chest. She turned to put her head on his shoulder as she tangled her legs with his, tension flowing out of her quick enough to never have been there.

"And where will this room of ours be?" 

Beck shrugged, closing his eyes again. "Well, NASA won't let us leave for at least a month after we get back. You know us doctors, nothing if not annoying--check up after check up. But after that, wherever you want to go."

She smiled into his neck. 

She didn't know what tomorrow would bring. Maybe the reactor would malfunction in a way they couldn't fix. Maybe an airlock would blow. Maybe they'd get hit by an asteroid.

Or maybe nothing would happen. 

The pain of their loss wasn't lessened because they had each other. The depth of their loss hadn't changed because they had each other. But having each other gave her the opportunity to look beyond the immediate danger. She had to, otherwise she wouldn't survive the journey home. She could look to a nebulous future. But a future in which he was hers. No amount of uncertainty about the future would change that simple fact. 

And who knew? Maybe that future had a bigger bed back home.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is taken from one of my fav poems: [i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]--ee cummings. 
> 
> Honestly, this is pretty bad. Sorryyyyy. My headcanons are being difficult! 
> 
> On a separate note I'm so glad the Martian fandom is finally getting a little bigger. That way we can have more Johanbeck that isn't my shitty writing hahaha


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